Preparing for death – 719woman.com
Today is my son’s 25th birthday. How that happened, I simply don’t know…how did he age and I’m still in my 30’s? Kidding aside, on celebratory days like today, I think back on the years and all the special events, celebrations, and milestones celebrated and those who were there with us as we celebrated. I also think about those who are no longer with us to join in on these occasions. My son was 12 when my mom died from Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS,) and 14 when his dad died of cancer. Mom lived after her diagnosis for several years and my late husband died three months after being diagnosed. And while my heart still hurts for them and breaks a bit when I think of the opportunities for future memories my son missed out on with two of the people he loved most, I am grateful for the times we had together and all the love.
WHY AM I BRINGING THIS UP?
Just this week my husband’s father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, and naturally, everyone’s trying to deal with that and there are things that need to be discussed and planned. We also had about 6 friends who passed away in the past couple of years, suddenly, in the prime of their life. I think about death, knowing those who had “notice” and those who didn’t and wonder how (as if I’ll have a choice,) I would prefer the end to be for me. One thing I do know, is that my family will know what my wishes are. Whether I’m ill for a long time or in a tragic accident, my son and husband know how I want to live out my remaining years and the kind of service I want.
PLANNING…
My mom was always a “take-charge” kind of person, not shy at all about doing what needed to be done, and getting that job done. When I was in high school, my grandpa (mom’s dad,) was very sick and died. I remember going to the hospital, seeing how distraught and lost my grandma was as he got worse, seeing how my mom took charge and learned what needed to be done before grandpa died. Until you’re in that situation, you don’t realize all the challenges and decisions that need to be made, while you might not be thinking clearly. I remember my grandpa being in pain but still hanging on and going through medical procedures, maybe not because he thought he’d get better, but for grandma. Even though that was a long time ago, I remember my mom telling me later, that when it was her time to go, she didn’t want to prolong something that was inevitable. “That if we loved her, we’d let her go when it was time, and not put her through more suffering because ‘we’ weren’t ready.” That wish stuck with me. Even before mom herself got sick, I thought about death a little differently, which I think is one reason I’ve been able to make the decisions I’ve needed to make when confronted with illness and death.
With all this said, I saw firsthand with my mom, how much easier (if it can ever be easy,) it was to plan her funeral and take care of business since she had been a part of the planning process. We knew where she wanted to be buried, what kind of music she wanted, and even what she wanted to be wearing. There were sentimental items she designated to family and friends, along with any history on it so we’d know what she was passing on. The thing is, we knew mom was dying and we took care of everything before it happened, which again, makes it so much easier on the survivors and helps with the family dynamics. This is a very emotional time and as we all know, when we’re emotional, we may not be thinking clearly.
When Mark became ill, we had time to make plans according to what he wanted but I already knew most of his wishes since we had already had many discussions on this topic. One thing I will always be grateful for is the fact that Mark had enough life insurance to ensure our son and I would be ok.
MEDICAL ISSUES TO CONSIDER…
Do you know if your loved one is an organ donor or would want to donate any organs to help someone else? A DNR, (Do-Not-Resuscitate,) is helpful too, especially if someone has a terminal illness. A DNR tells medical professionals not to perform CPR if the patients breathing or heartbeat stops. CPR, when successful, restores heartbeat and breathing and allows patients to resume their previous lifestyle. But when patients are seriously or terminally ill, CPR may not work or may only partially work, leaving the patient brain-damaged or in a worse medical state than before their heart stopped. Because my mom and Mark didn’t want to be kept alive by artificial means, they both had DNR’s in place, along with wishes of no feeding tubes. If we know our loved ones wishes, it makes it easier to truly honor what they would want and we don’t have to second-guess ourselves.
OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT –
Passwords, credit cards, bank accounts, wills, a durable power of attorney, auto information…Does your family know where this information is? If not, you might want to consider keeping this information in an easy-to-find location.
Again, the more you let your wishes be known, the easier you make it on your family and friends after you’re gone or while you may be battling a terminal illness. My mom died peacefully at home, which is the way she wanted to go. Her funeral service was what she wanted and it was as lovely as it could be. Mark too wanted to die at home if possible but because of physical needs I couldn’t provide, (I’m 5’1″, he was 6’6″ and weighed twice what I did,) we ended up having Mark go to a hospice center. I have to say, his last week was as peaceful as it could be, with him not suffering or in pain. Using hospice care absolutely made things easier, allowing family and friends to spend time with Mark while keeping him comfortable. Our personal experience with hospice couldn’t have been better. They let us arrange his room as we wanted, we brought things from home to hang on the walls and place around the room. The staff was friendly, caring, and just made everything a bit easier to deal with.
I watched a neighbor deal with her husband’s sudden death and it was made much harder on her because not only was she dealing with her beloved suddenly being gone, but she second-guessed everything and worried about her decisions, even years later. Should she have done this or that differently? Would he have preferred cremation over burial? For years she felt “guilty” and had a hard time. As much as I wish mom and Mark could have lived longer, I had peace about their last wishes and being able to honor them because we knew what they wanted.
A FEW MORE THINGS…
When mom and Mark became ill, we made lists of people they wanted notified when they passed. I actually made up lists of names and numbers and passed these on to friends/family who volunteered to make the calls. This might seem unimportant but it made this process so much easier on us; knowing the calls were being made without having to personally repeat the news over and over and allowing us to focus on other things.
I have found that a lot of times people really want to help out but they don’t want to interfere or don’t know how when you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one. Asking for help will not only make this time a bit easier, but it also gives others the opportunity to feel like they have contributed and honored the deceased. When Mark died, I was surrounded by family and friends who helped with everything from the obituary to enlarging pictures of Mark’s life we had displayed at the service. Neighbors opened their homes so out-of-town friends and family had a place to stay. My house was cleaned while I stayed at hospice that last week and food was always plentiful. Someone was always available to hang out with our son, play video games, or just to sit and say nothing with him.
Death…not something we necessarily want to think about but it is inevitable. Having conversations about our wishes before it happens makes it so much easier though for those left behind.
Here’s a few things you might want to think about and discuss with your family…
http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/features/putting-affairs-in-order-before-death