What NOT to Say to Those Dealing with Cancer – 719woman.com
Chances are you know or will know someone who has been or will be diagnosed with cancer or some other life-threatening disease or serious illness. Knowing what to say to that person can be difficult. When I was in high school someone I had briefly dated was diagnosed with leukemia and died. I remember going to the hospital once, seeing his parents, the despair on their faces and being scared. I didn’t know what to say except for the fact I was sorry. I never visited again. Yes I was young and this was my first experience with death but for years afterwards, I felt bad that I only visited that once and didn’t know how to act or what to say to offer more comfort.
People, for the most part I believe, do want to help, offer comfort, or ease the load when they know someone dealing with a serious illness. But unfortunately, sometimes what we say can actually be more hurtful than helpful, even though that’s not what was intended. When my mom first had to start using a mobility scooter (she had ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease,) I remember people we didn’t even know, leaning down and talking to her in a voice they’d use as if talking to a small child. Mom would say, “There’s nothing wrong with my brain, why are they using that voice?” Or they’d totally ignore her and address me as if she couldn’t understand or speak for herself. For a very strong woman who was losing control over her body but not her brain, this could be very frustrating for her.
Before I met my wonderful husband Paul, I was married to another wonderful man who died from cancer. Mark was a big man, tall and strong, full of life and energy. He was diagnosed with cancer on Christmas Eve day and died a little over three months later. Fortunately for us, we were surrounded by friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors who helped to really make that time easier. But there were times we’d have friends visit and say things to Mark like, “You’re so strong, I know you can beat this.” That one sentence was the one sentence that Mark really didn’t want to hear, especially on the days he felt really sick or weak and not strong at all.
When I saw this article from Prevention, with 10 things not to say to those fighting cancer and other illnesses, along with helpful things to say, I thought it was worth passing on. Of course not everyone reacts in the same manner and some of these “don’ts” might not be offensive or hurtful to some but I think that for the most part, a lot of people battling illnesses would totally agree with this article.
And as someone who has dealt with death and losing loved ones, being the caregiver and survivor, I’d like to add that a lot of times people offering help or advice can actually come across as a bit selfish even though they might not intend to be. Telling me how hard this has been on you offers me no help and only burdens me with the thought of how to offer comfort to you. The first year after Mark died we had some friends who would call at every holiday, distraught and crying over how much they missed Mark and how hard it was for THEM. The first Thanksgiving after his death I planned a big dinner, invited friends over, and while we missed Mark and there was a sadness, we also celebrated the day, laughed, and raised a toast to him. Because that’s what he would have wanted for me and our 12-year-old son. In the middle of that dinner, the phone rang and it was a friend couple of ours who were so distressed about Mark being gone, I could hardly understand them. They heard the laughter and voices in the background and were “surprised” that I could be celebrating instead of covering all the windows and staying in bed, mourning. When they asked to speak to my son, to let him know how much they missed his dad, I said no.
And honestly, sometimes words are not needed at all. A hug, squeeze of the shoulder or just sitting silently with someone can be so comforting.
Anyway, for those who might be searching for the right words to say to someone you know or are acquainted with who is dealing with a horrible illness or disease, I think this is a really, really helpful article with sound advice, that just might make it easier for you and the person you care for.
Such wise words & a touching story….thank you Tammy! <3
Thanks Susie!