I received an email from one of our readers asking for help with a problem she has, wanting input from other women on how to handle a family situation she’s in.
She wrote, “For the past 10 years my sister-in-law has been extremely rude to me. My husband’s sister has made derogatory comments about my body, my hair, my mothering skills, my home, and anything and everything in between. Her mother, my mother-in-law, while not being outright rude with words has always kept her distance from me and laughs when her daughter says something mean to me. This happens, the hurtful comments and coolness, each and every single time we get together with my husband’s family. My husband doesn’t like any type of confrontation and stays silent.
I have tried to be a good Christian and turn the other cheek, hoping that at some point they would be nicer to me and we could be closer. My husband and I have a good marriage, I’ve never said or done anything to his family to warrant the verbal abuse I receive from his family and again, have just tried to ignore the words in the hope things would get better.
A couple of months ago my husband decided to transfer to another city for his job and so we’re in the process of packing up and moving to a new home with enough property to house a horse for our 10-year old daughter. I was hoping that with some distance from my husband’s family, I would get some relief from seeing them quite so often and perhaps they would be kinder when we did see each other.
But here’s the situation I’m now facing. My sister-in-law is getting a divorce from her husband and has decided a change of scenery would be good for her. She doesn’t work because she’s on disability so she can pretty much live wherever she wants. She’s found a home close to where we’re moving. The other day she took my daughter to lunch (she is a good aunt) and told her she would be putting her own horse on our property since the house she’ll be renting doesn’t have the space for it. She didn’t ask my husband or me if she could do that but I know my husband won’t say anything and will allow this to happen, which will mean she’ll be at our house every day to feed and groom her horse.
When we first got married, ten years ago, I said to my husband I wished his family were nicer to me and he said his mom and sister had always been protective of him and treated his old girlfriends the same way. He said that’s just how they were and never said anything to them. He just doesn’t want to ‘stir things up.’
I am sick to my stomach about this. Here I thought the move would give us some distance and give me some respite from all the meanness and now I find out, not only will his sister be in the same town as us, but will be coming over every day. I love my husband and don’t want to cause any problems in our marriage but I’m also upset that he’ll let his sister put her horse on our land, knowing how she treats me.
I know that you have a lot of women who follow your site and I’m hoping someone out there can give me some advice.”
Well ladies, have any of you been in a similar situation? My own personal first thought was “Why the heck have you allowed this to continue for 10 years?” My second immediate thought was, “Why has your husband not stuck up for you?” And my third thought was, “Stand up for yourself and let everyone know you’re not going to tolerate this behavior any longer.”
I did call her (she gave me her number in case I had any questions), trying to get a sense if she was exaggerating the situation and find out if perhaps she had said or done something in the very beginning to cause these ill-feelings. After talking to her for about thirty minutes, I had the feeling she was truly a woman who loved her husband and really wished she had a good relationship with her in-laws. She didn’t say anything rude about her sister or mother-in-law, simply wanting to know what she could do to fix this. When I asked her if she could simply sit down with her husband and discuss this situation, and let him know how she felt, she was quiet for a minute and then said, “He won’t confront them because he says that’s just how they are.”
Ladies….what do you think?
My husband is the same way – he would never confront anyone, including in defense of me. I learned that long ago (we’ve been married almost 20 years). So, I learned that I must stick up for myself. I would explain to him that you don’t need him to be your protector, but you are going to protect yourself. He has two choices – he can do it or you can. Think about what these little comments are doing to your daughter. Children learn by example. Your SIL may be wonderful to your daughter, but she sees the things that your SIL does to you – it has to hurt her as well and it teaches her that that is how people are supposed to behave. I would sit down with your SIL, maybe a lunch, and explain to her that things are going to be different or she won’t have a place to bring her horse…period. The most important part is follow through! Don’t let her get away with it anymore. Think about this…would you let your SIL get away with this if she were doing this to your daughter? Good Luck!!!
Tammy…thanks for your comment. Great points, especially about her daughter! Thanks
I really hate trying to give a stranger advice, but…….if she has been waiting 10 years for something to change and nothing has, and she sees this move as an opportunity for that change then she should say something. She spoke about her problems with her husband, which is the first step, he does not want to stand up for his wife because it will be uncomfortable for him, so she has two choices……. she should either choose to “let it go” and try and not get upset anytime the sister and/or mother say something hurtful….or… she can take the sister out to lunch (or meet for coffee, ect.) And say this, “I love being a part of your family, and being able to call you my sister, but it really hurts my feelings when ___________. I heard from my daughter you wanted to keep your horse on our property. Before we move I think we should come up with an arrangement that will work for us both so that we don’t get on each others nerves.” The sister may get mad and say hurtful things, but at least this woman took the time to communicate her feelings. If she doesn’t communicate she can’t expect any other result other than what has happened for the last ten years. I hope for the best in all situations……thanks for letting me put in my “two cents”
Donna…great point about if she doesn’t say something, how can she get different results? Thanks for your input and I like your example of how she could start off the conversation. Thanks for your “two cents!”
Oh, I have so much compassion for you dear “silent sufferer”!
I have been in the same situation with my MIL, and especially my SIL for over 30 years! Why did I let it go on for so long? Well, it’s NOT because I am weak or unable to stand up for myself, but because of quite the opposite. It takes great perseverance and restraint to keep on “loving your enemies”, and “blessing those who curse you”. I’ve heard some great testimonies of people having had an epiphany regarding their behavior after decades of behaving badly and who have actually asked for forgiveness. So there may be still be some hope for your MIL and SIL.
My mother-in-law had her “epiphany” about 5 years into our marriage. Thankfully, I have a husband who decided it was time to draw a line in the sand concerning her comments etc. and told her how they were affecting me. My MIL could have chosen to say something like “Well, she’s just too sensitive!”, or “If she didn’t always do everything the wrong way, I wouldn’t have to say those things!”. But kudos to her, she valued her friendship with me and her son more than her compulsion to criticize, and therefore was able to say “I didn’t know that the things I said were so hurtful”, and she apologized. Ever since then, she began to more affirming of me. (I’m so glad I bit my tongue all those times, and didn’t retaliate. That seldom goes well!)
I wish I could say the same thing happened with my sister-in-law. Over the past decade she has become more and more sour – not just with me, but with everyone. It got to the point where I was embarrassed, even around strangers in places like parking lots – when someone may have gotten to a spot she had her eye on, or with people who get in her way in traffic or in a store, and even with cute little children who she took a liking to berating for not complying with the old adage of “being seen, but not heard”. Actually, even being “seen” was over-the-top for her!! At times, when she wasn’t looking, I would sometimes go over and apologize to the stranger(s) she had just cut down, because I felt so badly for them.
As I always assumed that people learn more through example, I anticipated that she would pick up on the fact that when I was with her in situations like that where I was having to interact with people who perhaps were taking their time in line-ups, or getting in my way in the mall etc., she would see that a simple smile, patience and kind words went a whole lot farther toward making the situation go smoothly and pleasantly than by making belittling comments to them. But the sad truth is that some people don’t even learn from example because they have no desire to change – ever!
It makes me very sad to say that my SIL is one of those people who couldn’t care or less about anyone other than herself, and our relationship has now declined into nothingness – (her doing, not mine). My sadness in this is not so much for me (in fact, it’s a relief not to have to include her in all the family functions, considering her venom and unwillingness to change). My sadness is for her. She is now in her 50’s, has never married, and is alone. Even though she has chosen that life, she is missing so much!
So, my dear, that is my story. It kind of resolved itself, so I have no good advice for you (although the advice in the posts above are definitely worth considering), I cannot preach from a pulpit of “This Is How To Do Things” and I have no scoldings for the way you or your husband have or haven’t handled this situation so far (which wouldn’t be very helpful even if I did). I just hope that if your SIL cannot/will not change, that you and your husband will find a way to make a clean break from that negative cloud hanging over you and following you wherever you go.
Just a thought here – Your SIL must see something she really likes in you to want to follow you and be in your presence daily!) Perhaps, as happened with my MIL, she too will value her relationship with you high enough to make the changes necessary for it to continue. We’ll keep praying to that end!
Colleen…Thank you so much for sharing!! Your insight and how you handled the situation…I’m sure will be much appreciated. It’s helpful to hear from people who have actually experienced this. Thank you Colleen!
Oh gosh were do I even start. I’m going through the same thing not with a in-law by my own mother,brother and older sister. Everything I did was wrong, I could do nothing right. My mom when she has froends over it’s “Oh doesn’t Kristina look great , she is doing so well, I’m so proud of her” then once everyone leaves it’s a 360 as she would say to me” your to fat you need to lose weight, you wont get any guy if your fat” and totally run me down. My brother would do the same thing to me even when friend’s were around. He told me I’m not his sister if I was fat. My older sister would always call me a slut and nothing be very hurtful thing’s from all of them. Once my dad died thing’s go even worse for me. I was band from the hospital and the funeral I wasn’t allowed to see him at all. I was left out of the Obit and when people would ask where I was she would make lies up for them to think I was this horrible person. I was very close with my dad, I loved him very much. My started going really nasty at me once I wanted to get married to the man I was inlove with. My mom would call up my mother inlaw and try to get her to break me and my husband up, my mom tried everything in her power to break us up, she even had police invovled. Nothing worked for her and a couple years ago I was kicked out on Christmas Day because my brother started a fight with me over a stupid xmas gift. When I was leaving he would follow me and say these hurtful things to me to get me in back even more and for me to be upset. Since then I haven’t had any contact with them which is a blessing , but at the same time my life now is so much better. I married the love of my life and I get along with my other older sister, get along great with my inlaws. From all the hurt I did go through I have been told now the I have IBS and I do go through panic and aniexty attacks. Hope this helped a bit!!!!!! I sure did have to learn the hard way though, I speak my mind now even if it is blunt or hurtful. As my husband would say I speak what’s on my mind, but it sure did help me become the person I am today.
Kristina…Thanks for sharing. Horrible way you were treated by your mom and brother but so happy you found your husband and are happy now…that you rose above! Thanks again!!